The Curse Of My World
by Deeply Superficial
Summary: Paraguay was a disaster that caused a split in a good thing. The aftershock was worse. And the nightmare isn't over. HM shipper.
1. Dreaming On A Nightmare

Standard disclaimer applies.

This story takes place straight after Paraguay. For this story, Sadik is not dead. They believe he is but it was someone else.

0900 ZULU

JAG HQ

Falls Church, Virginia

 It had been ten days since they had been freed from the terrible grip of Sadik, but Mac still felt it. She felt the fear, the worst fear she had ever experienced in her life, and that hadn't come close to the pain and suffering Clay had put up with.

She felt guilt for his sacrifice, and for Harm's. Over and over again she had asked herself how she could have betrayed him like that. After he had sacrificed his career for her to save her life, she had gone to Webb.

It wasn't like she even liked him that much, but she had needed comfort, and Clay was willing to be there for her in a way that Harm never had been. Afterwards he had told her that sacrificing his career should have said something, but she had argued that it didn't mean she had to go and jump in his arms. After all, he had never treated her as anything more than a sister, and she told him that, but he had denied any such thing. Then she had asked him if he did want to be more than friends with her, and he had backed away. So she said never.

And then it seemed like they hardly knew each other. They had barely talked since they got back, but then again neither had been in to work yet. They had been best friends for eight years, and with one word, one action, it was all gone. Grief tore at her heart, and she prayed that it would go away.

She didn't want to be in love with someone who couldn't love her back.

That night she tossed and turned, vague flashes of the nightmare that was Paraguay running through her mind. And suddenly she thought about Harm. Did he really love her, or had he been told so many times by others that he did that it had been brainwashed into him. For that matter, did the same hold true for her?

It was with some relief that this was the answer that Mac closed her eyes and fell once more into sleep.

He couldn't get her out of his mind. He tried desperately to forget about her. She had said never and he agreed that it could never work between them. Was it true that he treated her like a sister? Well, a sister was someone you loved and was closed to you, but you couldn't go out with them, so he had every right to treat her like that because that was the situation they were in.

Well stuff her, he thought angrily. He didn't need her and she obviously didn't need him. The warm liquid trickled down his throat, and after a while it brought welcome relief to the emotions thrashing around inside him.

1450 ZULU

Paraguay

The three pictures lay in front of him, but only two of them were full pictures of the people he wanted, needed to be dead. He couldn't risk another failed job. The missiles had only been a small part of the plan, but an important one nevertheless.

The three CIA agents had so far proved difficult to control, but now he had other people on the job, and perhaps he could even get some information out of them before they were disposed of.

A fax came through and as he read it a slow smile crept across his face. The first nuclear bomb was ready for shipment to Iran, and it would not be long before he would have to leave the country as well.


	2. Why Were We Ever Friends?

0800 ZULU

JAG HQ

Falls Church, Virginia

The first day back at work was, for both Harm and Mac, fairly rewarding. Although they avoided each other in the morning, they couldn't help but face each other later on. They were called to the admiral's office where, after expressing his condolences and his fury at the CIA, he went on to present each of them with a medal.

Harm received one for bravery, and Mac one for services to her country.

A medal? For services to her country? Understatement of the century. She'd helped save America from getting the hell bombed out of it and all they gave her was a lousy medal?

"There should have been a presentation," said the admiral, "but under the circumstances… the CIA didn't find it necessary to inform the whole world that they were using defence force personnel for their missions. And just to save time Colonel, I am going to give these to you now as well."

Mac smiled her first real smile since she had got back as the admiral handed over her new slides- those of a full Colonel.

But the smile was wiped off her face when the admiral told them about their next case- together. They were defending a navy Lieutenant brought up on charges of assault, and being drunk while on duty.

The two off them sat in Mac's office, silently going over the case file. They didn't talk. Was this newfound enmity going to destroy their whole relationship? How long was he going to keep treating her like she was someone he didn't know?

Mac forced her mind back to the case. She was defending the Lieutenant and Harm was prosecuting. The defendant, a Lieutenant Aaron Walter, had been found drunk while on duty by a senior officer, and when the officer had ordered him off duty, he had become violent and attempted to hit the officer.

Mac started to prepare her interviews, but it wasn't long before she couldn't concentrate. Her mind kept wandering back to the events in Paraguay, and no matter how hard she tried she couldn't forget the sound of Clay's screams, and how close she had come to the same thing.

She sighed and leaned back in the chair. Harm glanced up at her, but when she looked at him he looked down again. Mac rubbed her hands over her eyes, attempting to banish the memories. In frustration, she gathered up her files and decided to go home.

Home was the only place where Mac could be herself. At home she dropped all her masks, gave up all her pretences and let her emotions show. At home she could be weak, without risk of being ridiculed or showing that she regretted the majority of the things she had done in her life.

At work everyone said that she seemed fine, that the incident in Paraguay hadn't bothered her at all, that she was strong and she could stand anything. But they didn't know her. And the only person she had ever confided in wasn't talking to her.

Paraguay had affected her more than any one had guessed, but Mac didn't want to show that she was weak. She wasn't one of those people that wore their emotions proudly on their sleeves. She hadn't had that luxury when she was a child and she had grown into it. But it didn't matter. Tomorrow was another day.

The man stared down at the picture in his hand. She was a very beautiful woman. Such a pity, such a waste of life. But it was for the greater good. Still, it was a shame to destroy something so pretty.

He remembered, just months ago, when he had stood over her, about to torture her, and she had shown no fear. She had shown no emotion at all. He had never met any other woman like her.

But she needed to go. Her and the other agents she had been working with. He knew her real name was Sarah, but the other two men remained a mystery. He had men looking for them, and they were getting close.

1030 ZULU

JAG HQ

Falls Church, Virginia

Harm slammed his phone down. Damn her. Why did she get him so worked up like that? Court was starting in 15 minutes and he needed to calm down before it started. He took deep breaths, clearing his mind of any thought.

Harm won the case, but he grudgingly had to admit that it was a pretty undefendable case.  He felt guilty though, for some of the things he had said. He looked out the window of his office and saw Mac walking to her office.

With some satisfaction he saw that she looked mad.

Mac stepped into the elevator and turned her stony stare onto the other occupant.

"Do you have a problem?" he asked coolly.

"What do you think Harm," she asked with a stony glance.

He shrugged.

"I can't believe you would sink as low as that Harm. I thought you were more decent than that. And in front of everyone as well."

"I thought you were more decent than to stab your friends in the back."

"Is that what you call me going out with someone who isn't you?"

He shrugged again.

He was getting annoyed that she wasn't even looking at him. She didn't even look annoyed any more.

But she was. She was angry at what he had done. And she wasn't about to forgive him for it. She thought back to the courtroom.

"Your honour, the defendant is clearly guilty of these allegations. You cannot allow him to continue with this current behaviour or someone may be seriously hurt."

"Objection," burst out Mac. "That is speculation!"

"Sustained," the judge droned, sounding seriously bored.

Harm went on.

"Your honour, his behaviour was clearly the result of consuming excessive amounts of alcohol- while on duty. If this man is a regular drunk, and his behaviour is consistently violent-"

"Objection, your honour. The prosecutor cannot possibly know how any amount of alcohol will affect an individual."

Instead of waiting for the judge's decision, Harm went on.

"And you would be the expert on that wouldn't you Colonel. I believe you have had some experience with alcoholics in the past. Can you tell me how alcohol affects people?"

"Order! Commander that is out of line. You will refrain from making personal remarks in the court room!" The judge glared at Harm.

Mac face was pale, and for a moment she seemed at a loss as to what to say. Quickly the look of uncertainty on her face changed to one of concealed anger. The two co- counsels, Sturgis and bud, were looking from Harm to Mac, with their eyebrows raised. Clearly there was something going on between the two. When the session was over, Mac had quickly left the room.

"You alluded to my alcoholism Harm. You know how I feel about that subject. I haven't touched a drop for years and you know it," Mac said quietly as the elevator doors opened. "I can't believe you would do something like that, especially in front of all those people. I'm beginning to wonder why we were ever friends."

With that Mac stepped out of the elevator, turned her back on Harm and marched away.

A/N: This will get better I promise. There's going to be a lot more action later, I just need to set the situation up a bit better. I know the chapters are short but they will get longer but I tend to like shorter chapters more.

Thanks!


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